TSA Airport Security Pat-down Workout

If you’re planning on flying anytime soon, and want to look and feel your best when your Fourth Amendment rights are being violated, you might want to think about getting yourself in shape. Think about it; you might look good in clothes but the TSA agent who gropes you or sees your full-body scan will know the truth.

There are a few simple exercises that you can do to help tighten up those problem areas and give the wandering hands of TSA agents a real experience. And besides, why not be unreasonably firm and taut during your unreasonable search experience?

Forget about the need for warrants and searches to be reasonable and based on probable cause, if you have unreasonably muscular abdominals, buttocks and thighs you will be better able to endure the violation of your rights at the hands of the glorified rent-a-cops who work at the airport.


TSA Airport Security Pat-down Workout

  • Body weight squats
  • Lunges
  • Pull-ups
  • Push-ups

The first two exercises everyone should do are body weight squats and lunges. These two exercises will give you the muscles you’ll need in your upper, inner-thighs, buttocks and hips when your groin-area is being groped during a pat-down.

Remember, your local constable or state police officer is bound by the laws of the constitution, and while Terry v. Ohio permits a limited warrantless search on a level of suspicion less than probable cause under certain circumstances, it’s highly unlikely to happen to you in your hometown. At the airport, well that’s a different story.

Unlike the local cop who needs to witness “unusual conduct” in order to pat you down to look for a weapon, the TSA agent can stick his hands in your junk yard just because it is there. He doesn’t need a vague hunch to search you, the TSA agent just needs his hands and your hoo-ha. And speaking of “unusual conduct,” pull-ups and push-ups will build muscle in an unusual manner in your upper-body and arms.

If you can’t do a full pull-up, do a negative pull-up, where you boost yourself up so that your chin is over the bar and slowly lower yourself until your arms are fully extended. Ironically, you will be in a similar position when a TSA agent is violating your rights.


Even if the TSA agent doesn’t have probable cause that you are carrying a weapon or explosives, give him probable cause that you will feel as good as you look and start working out.

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